Tinnitus.

It all started with the tinnitus, when I was pretty young–around 3 or 4 I’m guessing, but maybe sooner. But that’s what I remember. My earliest memories are of myself lying in bed and unable to sleep because of the humming in my ears. The tone that I’ve always had sounds like an oboe A, and over the years I’ve gotten more and more tones in different pitches: tea-kettles, bassoons, cicadas. I truly thought for the first 12 years that everyone heard these sounds. They never cease; I hear them every minute of the day, as long as I’m awake.

School years

My parents noticed that I couldn’t hear as well as I should have, so they always made sure the teachers knew to put me in the front of the room. Doctors told them that my hearing loss was from ear infections, but that was incorrect. I wouldn’t be correctly diagnosed until I was 30 years old, just this year.

One of my biggest regrets is not getting hearing aids sooner. Back in the 90s though, some of my classmates were getting made fun of for even wearing glasses, and I was terrified of what they might say to me. For some reason, there is a misconception that the hard of hearing and deaf are intellectually disabled. That’s changing now, but it was different back then, and I missed out on a lot by not being able to hear. I’m sure many, many people I knew thought I was completely stuck up–that I thought I was too good to associate with them or something. If someone whispered to me in class, I couldn’t hear them. If I realized they were talking to me, I would pretend I had understood, but usually I had misunderstood. My social skills suffered, but I was usually content in my own world, reading books and drawing. I’m a natural introvert, but hearing loss exaggerated that introversion. I just focused on getting good grades, and I couldn’t understand why I didn’t have many friends.

One day in 7th grade they were playing that game telephone. When it got to my turn, my classmate whispered to me, but of course I had no clue what he had said. By that point, I was heavily relying on speech reading, or lip-reading. So it was very difficult for me to understand anyone if I couldn’t see their mouth. I just froze up and refused to play, and then everyone thought I was weird, of course. None of them knew that I was struggling every day with basic social skills. Those years were not a good time for me. I got a pair of hearing aids around that time, but again, I was so afraid of being bullied that I refused to wear them, and then I just returned them. I wish someone had been able to convince me how much I needed them, and that they could have reassured me that hearing was more important. I could have been stronger.

College

I continued to do well in school because I made learning my life. It started to become impossible, though, once I went to college. I had the classes in large lecture halls with 80+ students. One day I came to class just before it started and tried to sit in front, but the girl sitting next to me informed me that her friend was sitting there; she was saving the seat for her. I didn’t explain to her, as I should have, that I needed to sit in front so I could hear the lecture. Instead, I got frustrated and told her that her friend should be there if she wanted the seat, and that it wasn’t elementary school anymore. She held a grudge towards me for the rest of the time in college. I still feel sorry that I spoke to her so rudely and that she misunderstood me to that extent. At that point, I was really taking my frustration out on others.

I was double-majoring in architecture and Spanish. My wake-up call, 10 years late, was when I started to do poorly in a Spanish conversation class. It was then that I knew I had to get hearing aids. We were watching films in Spanish, and I was unable to understand anything in English or Spanish without the closed captioning being on. When I got hearing aids, to say my life changed, is an understatement. I became more outgoing and friendlier to others. For the first time, I enjoyed being with people.

Diagnosis and Conclusion

Too much has happened between then and now to explain it all in one post, but jumping to the diagnosis and very much summarizing it–I have sensorineural hearing loss that is slowly progressing towards deafness. Sensorineural hearing loss means that the hair cells in my ears are self-destructing, but unlike age-related hearing loss, it’s not from exposure to noise. The exact cause of it, which is of a genetic nature, is a subject best left to another post. I’ll most likely be deaf by the time I’m 80, and I’m okay with that–so many people have to deal with much more! For now, my hearing aids work very well. At times, I can even hear better than the average person because of volume buttons which I can turn up!

At times I do get sad that I missed out on so much, but our experiences shape who we are, so maybe it wasn’t a bad thing. I’m more empathetic to others because of whatever I went through. I am sorry for all the times I was unknowingly rude to others, and I’m sorry for any feelings I hurt along the way. I know I still am not the most skilled, socially speaking, but I’m working on it.

And I swear, I wasn’t ignoring you! I just couldn’t hear you.

P.S. Did you know that hearing aids are unaffordable for many Americans?

No one should have to go without hearing aids. They ought to be covered by insurance, but currently, most plans do not cover them. One good hearing aid costs around 1000 dollars. More expensive models that are compatible with blue-tooth and have other fantastic features can cost upwards of 3000 dollars. Apiece. As you’ve heard from my personal experience, hearing loss affects every aspect of life. It cuts you off from fellow humans. It nurtures depression. Hearing loss can be a serious health issue. I’m still trying to figure out if there’s anything I can do to change the way things are. Writing to congress? Done that. Maybe it’s just that people don’t know about this issue, and we need more awareness. Also, millions are losing their hearing and acquiring tinnitus because of noise exposure. This type of hearing loss is 100% preventable, but people simply do not know until it’s too late.

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